Meng's Guide to Restaurant Customers

So whether I like it or not, i've been working as a waiter for about a year now, and the major categories of customers have become fairly clear.

Bare in mind that this obviously isn't a 100% indication of anything.
Tip stuff is roughly
Small = <5%
Medium = ~5%
High = ~/>10%

Really Young white couple (<20y/o):
- Bill: Small
- Tip: Small
- Other notes: Girl is usually friendly, guy is socially awkward, probably due to age

Young white couple:
- Bill: Small - Big
- Tip: Medium
- Other notes: Friendly, easy to deal with

Heavily drinking white couple:
- Bill: 20% food, 80% cocktails
- Tip: None - Low
- Other Notes: Constantly orders cocktails, impressive tolerence for alcohol. Usually friendly enough but you can tell they are scum.

Young white family (with actual children):
- Bill: Medium
- Tip: Low-Medium (way less than it should be considering the mess they have made)
- Other Notes: Make a mess, children liable to be a complete fucking nuisance

White family (grown up children):
- Bill: Medium-High
- Tip: Medium-High
- Other Notes: Friendly, easy to deal with, father cracks bad jokes, daughter is still embarrassed of family despite being over 20 now.

Business people (dudes in suits):
- Bill: High
- Tip: Medium-High
- Other Notes: The older they are, the higher the bill and tip become. Spend the whole dinner dickwagging about how much their turnover is.

Very young group of friends (<20y/o):
- Bill: Small
- Tip: None-Small
- Other Notes: always one asshole in the group that tries to act grown up, boys will pull a "what is this shit" face when asked for ID despite being 5 days above legal drinking age

Group of friends:
- Bill: Small-High
- Tip: None-High
- Other Notes: Pot luck here.

Europeans:
- Bill: Medium-High
- Tip: None-Medium
- Other Notes: Usually fairly heavy drinkers, not unusual for drinks to outprice food

Blacks - Type 1 (95%):
- Bill: Medium-High
- Tip: None
Blacks - Type 2 (5%):
- Bill: Medium
- Tip: Low-Medium
- Other Notes: I'm not really educated enough to tell the two groups apart, but I'm pretty sure the difference is where/how they are brought up. If they have any sort of accent of any sort you are almost certainly dealing with a type 1. Both types are equally demanding, and are likely to complain about everything and expect it all to be done instantly. Women will not drink without a straw. Loves chicken (this is an actual fact, not even a stereotype). Steak must be cooked well done. Literally a waiters worst nightmare.

Chinese:
- Bill: Medium (would be high for certain if they were drinkers)
- Tip: None-High (assumedly depending on where they were brought up, tipping isn't a thing in China)
- Other Notes: Above average chance of complaining, particularly if the food is bad/overcooked ,very particular about having clean cutlery and glasses.

Arabians:
- Bill: Medium-high
- Tip: Medium-Very High
- Other Notes: Very rude, can be shockingly good tippers, maybe they all own oil fields or something.

Indians:
- Bill: Low-Medium
- Tip: Low-Medium
- Other Notes: Surprisingly low sample rate at my restart, maybe they don't like steak/western food?

Where to start...

<'Machete' and 'Cladun: This is an RPG' will get their own blog posts because they deserve them>

Work/University Bit:
It feels like whilst theres not strictly a whole lot going on currently with university, its really really busy. I decided this year instead of waiting until the end of the year to summarise my lecture notes, i'd read through them during the year and summarise as I go - obviously, this has not worked out. Im constantly falling further and further behind in lecture summaries... I also got an essay title yesterday, I havent actually read the details on it yet.... i guess i'll read it now............................. Okay, so its 3000 words and due in about 40 days (fucksake.) , you also know you're in trouble when the description on what your essay is about actually specifies "this is a HARD essay" (yes, in caps),  the essay is also about the human genome, which is fucking hate - mainly because I dont understand that shit. Uffff....
Contributing to the stress of university is the knowing that I need to start applying for graduate jobs or internships now, with most deadlines being in November sometime, I actually spent 3 hours today filling in 1 application, which will probably not get through screening phase anyway. Very very depressing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Games bit:
Our internet actually went down for 4 days or so, but thankfully I had just finished downloading 'DJmax Portable 3' and 'Cladun: This is an RPG!' , both for PSP. DJMP3 is pretty awesome, a twist on the traditional DJmaxPortable gameplay style with remixing tracks and stuff in (kinda like DJhero ,where you have a pseudo crossfader to deal with now) , the downside is that it doesnt have many songs (about 40?) , ah well.
I also downloaded Starcraft 2, but I dont think the crack i've got will work with it because it autoupdated to latest. I just wanna try out the campaign without having to shell out £30 :<
I'll give Cladun its own review at some point because its really good, i clocked 10 hours into it over 2 days, and being on the PSP, thats probably the most play its gotten in such a small period of time.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Films bit:
Along with seeing machete, I also saw 'Chaos' (2005) , starring Jason Statham. Its a pretty weird film, starting off as an action film and then seeming to lose its own way half way through, changing genre a few times before eventually deciding it wants to flip the script on the audience. It was alright i guess, I personally thought it was a little boring, but maybe thats just because I was expecting something along the lines of crank or the transporter after hearing the film title 'Chaos'. I guess its sort of a detective/psychological film by the end? ehh....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Anime Bit:
I picked up a bunch of currently airing series, something I dont usually do because I like to be able to watch through all the episodes at my own leisure (and because sometimes its awesome to be able to clear half a season in 1 sitting, especially if its a series that likes using cliffhanger endings)
Anywho... The weekly shows im now watching are...
- Panty and Stocking with garterbelt - [which had a really disgusting 3rd episode, no wonder it almost got banned...]
- The world god only knows - Which has a shit title, its about a guy that is the king of dating sims, he is then tasked with making real girls fall in love with him (or he gets beheaded)
- Squid Girl (Ika musume) - Who is... a squid. Really funny, nice lighthearted comedy (always good when something listed as a comedy actually makes you laugh)
- Ore no imouto... (Theres no way my sister can be this cute) - Guy finds out his sister is a super otaku, and has to help her out
I also recently finished 'Umineko no naku koro ni' , from the makers of Higurashi (when the Cicadas cry) , Its a complete mindfuck of an anime, and I dont really recommend it at all, it IS watchable but in general its such a mess that you wont want to, the characters are also annoying as fuck.
Im coming very close to the end of Seto No Hanayome (My bride is a mermaid), so will give opinions on that too soon...
If this blog post makes you want to pick up a series, Id go with Squid Girl for sure.

Final Day of Work

So today at work the restaurant was quiet , very quiet.
I strolled around expecting a nice relaxing final day.
Suddenly - disaster struck. (no , my manager didn't come to talk to me)

A colleague told me he needed some help with something hard difficult (get your heads out of the gutter you cr33ps)
He led me upstairs where i was greeted by what would be the cause of arm pain , shoulder pain and a rather bad neckache.

Approximately 60-75 empty beer kegs sat before me.
"we need to get these downstairs at the back. - You grab those two and ill take these two , we'll take them to the lift otherwise it'll be tiring"
OTHERWISE IT'LL BE TIRING?! MOTHERFUCKER THESE THINGS ARE HEAVIER THAN THE XBOX
[Previous sentence may have been an exaggeration , according to wikipedia an empty Beer keg weighs approximately 30 pounds (13.5 kg) - the xbox as we all know weighs much more than that]

I take 2 beer kegs at a time to the lift , they're heavy enough just carrying but then when you get to the lift you have to stack them - this means setting them down and then lifting them up to approximately head height and placing them on top of other kegs. Painful.
Once the lift is full (with approximately 21 kegs) they all have to be taken downstairs , where they then need to be unstacked and restacked outside in the alley. My arms want to fall off at this point.

here's a photo i took of myself in the lift with the beer kegs. - ive censored certain parts of the picture due to looking like a muppet.


After loading and unloading beer kegs into the lift 3 times the alley way looked like this.



Great I thought to myself, that's over at last.
my colleague turned to me "halfway there now. back in the lift."
me : "oh. fuck."

Turns out gas canisters are actually even heavier than beer kegs despite looking slimmer and smaller , i guess its something to do with all the anti-explosion stuff they have to do to it to prevent it from going kapow due to pressure.
Same thing again , only this time we load the canisters into a stolen sainsburys trolley and wheel it into the lift , sounds easier but lifting those fucking canisters to a height where you can put them into a trolley is hard work.
We did this for 2 lift rounds , with 2 trolleys each round.

Result :


The purple and green gas canisters easily weigh double the amount of one of the Beer kegs , which is really saying something.

With that finished i take 5 minutes to relax and massage my neck which has somehow been greatly affected by all of this.

The rest of the day was a fairly normal one , I had lunch as normal on a sunday although this time i thought id try some of the other stuff.

From left to right
Glass of coke , Chicken satay with peanut sauce , Sushi , Pickled horseradish , Crispy duck pancake , Noodles with just about everything i could get my hands on (includes sweet and sour chicken ,fried tofu ,mincemeat , massala somethingorother , beef in blackbean sauce , prawns)



Finally the day finished , i got myself a bowl of chocolate ice cream and sat down for a few minutes , staring around at the place ive worked at for 8 months now.



Will i miss the other staff? Maybe , a few of them were nice

Will i miss my manager or Assistant Manager? Not a chance

Will i miss being a waiter? Probably

Will i miss the money? Yes.



Meng - Now unemployed.

A Work Update

I hate my workplace.

I walk in to work today (yesterday by the time this gets posted) and am instantly greeted by my manager who has been on holiday for the past 3 weeks.
The first thing he says after 'hi' ?
not 'long time no see!' or , 'i'm back!' or some other typical bullshit , he goes straight in and...
"have you wanking today?"
"errr...."
"It is okay , it is good for you" (bare in mind this asshole is SHAKING MY HAND whilst talking)

Fucking seriously , this guy clearly gets off on making people feel incredibly awkward.
[i just leaned right there whilst typing , ow my abs.]

Shortly after this initial talk , i told him im quitting.
So next week will be my last week of work there , thank god.

From here on i walk in and the FIRST PERSON i come across after my assholemanager says 'hi' and then drops the bomb on me by saying 'you look like you've gained weight.'
What a great start to my day at work.

Later on in the work day and i get my 2nd blog post inspiration.
An Indian guy... that talks like Niko from GTA4.
Oh yes.
As it were , turns out he's a stupid Indian that sounds like Niko from GTA4.
After eating he turns to me and says (in an almost TF2 heavy style voice)

"YOU ARE GOOD COOK."
He then turns to his wife and quietly mutters
"he is good cook."
I stand there and smile at him , safe in the knowledge that i'm far superior to them both.

Another thing ive noticed at work is that the chefs in the kitchen upstairs will listen to ANYTHING.
I walk past the kitchen every now and then and i've heard Chinese love songs , Japanese Music , British Chart music , RnB , Chinese RnB , Dance , Hardcore , Drum and Bass , Trance.....
I actually think i heard 'The logical Song' by 'Scooter' being played in there once.
The best thing about this is that because i never actually get to go in , I get to imagine them all dancing around with their woks and pots and pans getting crunk and so on.

Final thing ,  during work today i walked into the washing area of the restaurant (where all the dirty plates and shit go) and theres a fucking waitress there cutting her nails.
Little nailclipper on the end of her keyring.
DO YOU REALLY NEED TO DO THAT SHIT RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW?!?!?

god i hate my workplace.

Killer.

So its after work on a saturday.

They're all talking some shit about... shit.

They're all having a conversation about how cool i am (im serious. Infact , this is the second half of that conversation , the first half was how handsome i am. - again. i really wish i was joking here.)
After a minute or so of conversation one of them turns round to me and says 'Do you like da killer?'
Obviously , being able to speak english and such , i just assumed he was talking about the band 'The Killers' (somebody told me / When you were young / Mr Brightside etc etc)
I responded with 'they're okay...i guezz' as i normally do when i dont know what else to say in a conversation.
He starts laughing.
I stand there , perplexed.
"Okay , we call you killer from now on yeah?"

I stand there , still perplexed.
"Uh... sure." I say ,  as i put on my coat and quickly walk out.

How to Irritate Staff at Buffet Restaurants

New section ill be doing weekly.
Check it up the top of the page.

Asian Party

Okay well not so much a party of such...i think.

One of the full timers at work was leaving and thus was throwing somewhat of a party. This party was to take place in the form of a hotpot/steamboat (details on wtf this is later) after work. I said id go along - there was food to be eaten after all.

11:30pm - Work finishes and we all sit down and chill out (everything so far is normal)

11:35pm - One of the girls pulls out a video camera and everything goes to shit , music starts playing and karaoke singing/dancing time begins. Everyone seems to know the lyrics and 'moves' aside from me. Its pretty entertaining just watching them.

11:45pm - Some white girl walks in to the shop , apparently she's a friend of the guy who is leaving. She doesent understand chinese and has no knowledge of the culture apparently. Finally~ someone in a more awkward position than me.

11:50pm - YMCA.

12am - We leave the shop and head over to the guys place.

12:05am - So apparently everyone who works in that shop lives in this one building , the first floor is full of chefs , and the third floor is full of waiting staff

12:06am - We reach his place - i say his place , this is untrue because of about 12 people live there. (or somewhere around that number)
We walk through and go into the room with the hotpot - jesus fuck there is  8 people here! ~ My toilet is bigger than this room!
The room has 2 bunk beds , a small sofa and some sort of small cabinet which people had decided to sit on, All surrounding a tiny table with the hotpot in the middle.
--For the uneducated i shall now explain what exactly a hotpot is ~ Imagine cooking your food in a boiling pot of water. Now imagine cooking your food , and then as soon as its finished cooking you take it out and eat it. Now replace the water with liquid fire (supersuperspicyshit) .--
Remember to replace you cooking... with around 10 people and replace the kitchen with a very small bedroom.

12:20am - jesus christ this is spicy

12:40am - MY MOUTH IS ON FIRE MY MOUTH IS ON FIRE

12:45am - Beer is discovered

1am - red facing begins , although this time everyone is doin it.

1:45am - everyone is done , mass laptops come out

2am - I take my leave

~~~~~~~~

Asian Parties are certainly different.

Worst Day at work Ever.

So the day started normal enough , a bit of a bullshit talk from the boss in a language i barely understand followed by a good 3 hours of normal work.

Then it all fell apart.

I pushed over a wine glass (on a table) and it smashed - it didnt even roll off the fucking table it just changed 90 degrees and smashed. Great.

Then i dropped a bottle of tiger beer and half a pint of Stella on myself and the floor (no breakages somehow) , then i got bitched at for shouting 'FUCK' in front of a large group of customers. [i was carrying 4 bottles of beer and 5 pint glasses in my defense]
Then i dripped some form of sauce down my leg whilst carrying plates [i was carrying alot of plates in my defense]

By this time im pretty much 'damp' from the tits down , Stella artois and tiger over the right side of my body and some form of sauce over my left leg , my left toe is sore because my shoes are too small and there is a blister coming.
I make a bunch of other stupid mistakes as well and then finally...

Sharp pain in my gaming thumb!

Slight dramatization below

[Picture is a slight dramatization , it was actually glass in my thumb NOT tiberium.]

Fucking piece of glass in my thumb. wth? I still dont even know how it got there
Some pain and blood later i managed to get it out.

What a shit day :<

ps.

Why oh why didn't I take the BLUE pill D:

pps. For those who havent noticed ive edited the links on the right of this page and changed the homepage to reflect the new sections of the site.

Meatcube

So one of my colleagues at work had brought in a packet of sweets snacks stuff edibles meatcubes.
"You eat beef right?" the girl behind the bar asked
"yeah" i hesitantly replied.
"try some of these." she says ,as she hands me these little wrapped things. It looks like some sort of candy or chocolate

I open it up. . .

A summary of what you see before you would go something like so...
Someone got a lump of beef , cooked it for a billion hours , put it through some sort of paper shredder to turn into bits and then compressed it back together using some sort of technique similar to the thwomps 'UUHGGGHGHHGH' slam.
It is a cube of meat.


CLICK ME FOR THE FULLSIZE PICTURE OF THE LAST SHOT. YOU NEED TO SEE THE AMAZERING DETAIL OF THE MEATCUBE . . . i think i see some hair coming out of it o_o - warning 2560x1920 intense HD resolution (thats 1920p)

ps. fuck weighted companion cube.

edit :
(00:30:17) (@Anonymous1c4_) did you eat it?

Yes i did , they're actually rather nice , it tastes abit like Beef jerky but slightly spicier. I actually went back for more , i think ive eaten about 7 today.

Christmas Card (late Post)

I recieved this on the 23rd and havent had a chance to take and upload picture.

Basically , girl at work gave me this card. Her english is horrific at best ,but she made an effort here.



This is definitive proof that my workplace is the most fucked up place on earth.

Mr Boss Boss

So uh... weird day at work the other day (saturday).
Along with a new guy- who looks suspiciously like 'Tanaka Hajime' from Ouendan



We also had a visit from mr Boss Boss or somebody higher up.
Longstory short , mr Boss Boss is this guy (below)



Only difference i noticed is that Mr boss boss seemed more bound by physics but thats a minor detail.

Wanna have a baby?

So i was at work today.... [yeah , you guessed it.]
Me - unaware of whats going on.
Girl : honey? sweetie? gorgeous? handsome?
Me - *turns around by coincidence and takes drinks orders etc*
Girl : Oh wow , you're cute. Single?
Me : uh.. oh .. no (a lie of course)
Girl : oh.. give me your number anyway.
Me : uhh.. maybe later.
----*later*----
Girl : oh so you still havent given me your number yet
Me : Sorry , i already told you i have a girlfriend
Girl : Forget her... oh wow , you have really nice eyes
Me - *sweating*
Girl : imagine you and me. . . . . . Having a baby.

Now fortunately at this time i was called off to do some stuff with the stocks in the staff area , but from what i hear from the other staff is that she waited around for like 15 minutes and started yelling at the other staff saying stuff like 'if you dont bring him to me i refuse to pay'
My workplace is scary ;_;
In other non-work related new
- My Case and such came on friday , built it and everything. Its not as quiet as the reviews made it out to be , which is a shame. Its also fucking huge and looks like it could double as a fridge freezer (heatsink the size of my face fits inside though thankfully) , Might upload some pics or something at some point in the near future. - all temperatures have dropped by about 10 deg C also. which is nice.

- Unreal Tournament III is damn beastly. It feels alot like Unreal Tourney 2K4 but with better graphics and such , which is definately a good thing. Shame i cant run it at a decent framerate without having to set to a low resolution (720x450) but the game seems to have a nice scaling system in place - what i mean is that you can run the game at your native resolution so that all the menus and GUI are the correct size , but then change the game rendering size to a certain percentage. The game then runs the game in that size , stretches it to fullscreen and then puts on the native resolution GUI over the top. So all the screen elements are the right size. Good stuff.

- Shoutout to my homeboy [BoYc3] who recently set up a blog. which can be found at www.boycebrush.com/blog/ , i've also added [Sean]'s blog to the linky bit at the right ( http://sean.scummisland.com/ ) , if you have a personal site you want linked just drop a comment.

- Kane and Lynch has a really good story ,almost to the level where im only playing it for the story and not the gameplay. - best line so far by kane (to lynch of course on topic of him 'accidently' killing someone) : "FUCK! You're a fucking idiot!! What the fuck is the matter with you!?!" , whats probably best about this line is how i can imagine Bruce willis saying it.

- Whilst sitting on the bog and reading the readers digest , i came across an article. Longstory short...
'a married couple plan to divorce after unwittingly chatting each other up on the internet using fake names'

I'm blog ya'll , im blog ya'll...

1 - I think im going to be in the facebook of some random 15 year old girls. They asked if they could take a picture.. with me. then handed the camera to their dad/uncle/grandpa (godknows.) and came either side of me and posed. my workplace is getting weirder by the minute.

2 - Im going to go ahead and blame the Scummisland community for being a bad influence on me. I unconsciously said 'Shut duh fuck up nigguhs' out loud whilst they were all off being black to some birthday celebration. So yeah. Blame Scummisland for my turning racist.

3 - Remember that heatsink i told you all about a few posts ago? well it came... and its a fuggin BEAST. Its pretty hard to think of a decent item to compare it to , but id go as far as saying its about the same mass as Jordans left tit. Or maybe 3/4 of my head, or 2 and a half Fists

4 - Kane and Kynch : Dead men , is out for PC , 7.2gb - far too many good games lately , however one of them is'nt...

5 - Sim City Societies. It is NOT a SimCity game. Its almost like a huge extension of 'the Sims 2' , they took out alot of the advanced stuff that made you feel important in the old SimCity games. Also gone is the old Zoning system (small residential area , large commercial area...etc) and instead now you pick out the individual houses and such , gone is the electricity linking and plumbing... pretty much anything which ever slightly made you think 'hmmm.' in the old simcity games is not present here. Its almost as if they redesigned the game with 10 year olds in mind.
What a shame , the game looks good at least i suppose.

6 - Need for speed prostreet is pretty shit as well , its as if NFSU ate some of Gran Turismo and then took out a penknife and stabbed itself in the leg to make itself move all juttery. Customization is still in , tuning is still in , fun driving is not in. Instead , realism is in. Yes. Need for Speed + Realism = Fail

My workplace is more retarded than your workplace. (pure blog shiz.)

So apparently everyone in my workplace has never seen an actual good looking guy , because they all seem pretty convinced its me. Anyone who has seen me will verify that i am not a good looking guy on any level , infact i barely qualify as average imho.

Conversation with some girl in my workplace
girl *comes out of kitchen waving over her mouth*
Me *gives her a weird look*
girl : I just ate a splingdoll
Me : a wha?
girl : a splingdoll
Me : ...
girl *takes out a notepad and scribbles down 'Spring Roll'* (rather legibly i might add , her handwriting is better than mine dispite the fact she can barely speak english
Me : Ohhhh. A SPRING ROLL
girl : yes , splingdoll.
Me : ... no no, spring roll
girl : spring lole
Me : ROLL
girl : LOLE.
Me : ROLL
girl : LOLE (repeat 3 times.)
girl : am i say it right now? spring lole?
Me : yeah. sure.
girl : Kiss me. *leans forward*

Now excuuuuuuse me. WHAT THE FUUUUUCK?!?!?!?!

Me (out of pure instinct and no thought whatsoever) : no. *smile*
girl *scampers off giggling*

Later after work , im approached by her and her posse. they sit me down at a table and sit around me (Meng + 6 girls at a table)
then they start going off doing their moonspeak and the girl from earlier turns round , leans forward and asks 'When was first girlfriend?'
soon followed by other such dodgy fucked up questions as 'how many girlfriend you had before?' and 'when first kiss?' - Naturally as a guy , i try to escape. However i cant , as soon as i try to stand up the tall one (who has strategically positioned herself behind me) Pushes my shoulders down so im back on the chair , the girl asking the questions then grabs my arm and shakes it. I have somehow been teleported from a restaurant to an interogation center in <insert your favorite warzone here>.

Stuff Stuff Stuff

1.
The Comments have now been fixed , i never really messed around with the settings before but have done so now. It was previously set to only registered users can comment , now it is set to allow anybody to comment , provided they have had 1 comment previously moderated. Ergo. Comment away!

2.
This is quite possibly the best , most hyphy song ever. - kudos to Scootahboi123 (aka. [BoYc3] ) for letting me hear the original for the first time on his TF2 video.
Linky to the song : Scooter : The Question is What is the Question? (Flip & Fill Remix)

3.
Drawing up Data Flow Diagrams and Entity Relationship diagrams for ICT fucking fails so hard.

4. - Storytime
So im at work , doing my thing. Im doing drinks runs for the bar and have to bring a bottle of wine to a table of foreigners (they look like they're from Europe somewhere , not sure where though. We'll pretend they're Estonians , because everyone knows they're weird.)
So im opening the bottle with my Cockscrew Corkscrew right and then...
*Flash*
I glance upwards to be greeted with one of them clutching a camera pointed at me.
T..they just took a picture of me opening a wine bottle =/
Im somewhat mortified that they would want me in their holiday pictures but whatever , i pour out the wine. However afterwards the woman calls me over. . .
"Could you.. uh.. get bottle .. for camera?"
I am then forced into posing for a picture where im holding a wine bottle over this womans glass like im some form of slave. Great.
Tips? None of course.

5.
Due to my family pc breaking down and such , i bought a few bits and bobs for my pc.
An Athlon 6000+ CPU
2gb Kingston PC6400 Ram (2x1gb)
Zalman CNPS 9700 CPU Cooler
And an Antec P182 Case SCPR edition
- Pretty pricey i guess , but its only a few weeks wages and the case is supposed to be pretty damn beastly.

Repent.

Now some of you on my MSN messenger list may recall that at one point my submessage was something to the effect of 'New theory of hell : Being a waiter for >30 black people'
Well tonight that hell became a reality , just not for me thankfully.
Im not sure exactly what the staff who work the back did to deserve it , but they were SEVERELY punished for it by a group of FIFTY , yes , 50 ,  black people. All sat in the same area, all being demanding , all wanting special treatment and all screaming 'YO BOSS , EY BOSS' when wanting anything.
Im talking about a serious amount of black people in one area , it was like KFC was having a free chicken promo going on or something.

Worlds worst employee award

So recently my workplace has recruited some new employees due to being short of staff , as you may have already sussed out via the title , they are all fucking useless goddamned liabilities.

For those who are not aware , my job (and consequently , theirs) is to go around and pick up customers used plates / cutlery / glasses and take it to the kitchen , take orders ,bring out drinks from the bar or wipe down tables and set cutlery on them. Its not the hardest job in the world , in my opinion anyway , of course… it would appear that not everyone sees things the same way I do

I’d like to mention at this point that I do not actually know any of their names although I have personally given them all nicknames in my head. Now , on to the contenders.

‘Plain useless’

Equipped with quite possibly the most stereotypical look of an early twenties Chinese girl , she is – as the nickname suggests , plain fucking useless. She excels at INTENSE tasks such as wiping tables , which is rather oddly all I saw her doing in the space of a 5 and a half hour shift.

Obviously , she also does not know any English so I cant even bitch at her to do things.

At one point during the night I was with her and we had to set a table for 11 people , now the table already had been set up for 10 people (long table , 5×1 with 2 per table) and had an extra chair at the end of the table, I turned to useless. “eleven people.” I spoke slooooowwwllyy in hope her small brain would be able to comprehend. She nods. Huzzah! Perhaps she’s not so useless after all! I set up the table by myself and she stands there staring into space. With the last set of cutlery in my hand to place at the empty chair at the end of the table I get called away to do something which requires slightly more skill , I pass the cutlery to useless and point to the end of the table where the empty chair is and walk off.
Minute later she returns to me , cutlery still in hand.
“i…uh…there is already two” she says , pointing at the 2 sets of cutlery set up… on a table surrounded by 3 chairs.
I resist the urge to headbutt her and instead put the cutlery down myself.
Useless bitch.

‘Period pain girl’

Aptly named because she always has a grimace on her face.
I shit you not. Her face is actually moulded into the typical internet DEE COLON face D: , albeit with slightly more teeth showing on the top side.
Now… I don’t smile much admittantly , but a fucking D: ?

There are a few times when one is allowed to make that sort of face for periods of longer than half an hour.

1. Mike Tyson just uppercutted you in the stomach
2. You just got stabbed , and Mike Tyson uppercutted you in the stomach.

Worth noting that she is also pretty damn useless , although not as useless as ‘useless’ documented above or as useless as…

‘Princess’ (Chinese Paris Hilton)

You may consider yourself to be in the wrong line of work if you’re allergic to animals and find yourself as a zookeeper. Quite similar to being afraid of leftover food where your job practically revolves around picking up plates of other peoples food.

Anyone who has been to where I work will have seen that the staff who work there will easily take about 8 plates at a time , and balance them on their hands , wrists , arms, stomachs , shoulders etc .(for example today I saw somebody balance coins on the back of their hand whilst taking drinks to the bar , that was extreme.) Not princess of course. Who uses a full two hands per one plate , holding it firmly by the sides and walking with her arms outstretched as far as she can. Upon reaching the kitchen and dropping off the plates , she quickly takes out a tissue and thoroughly (I mean it.) wipes down her hands , god forbid any molecules of food be on her at any time.

Actual usefulness seems limited of course , as she can’t sweep worth shit either , and sweeping is hardly the most difficult thing in the world.

Note to self : You started work on september 7th 07